REVIEW: Crysis 2



‘Overblown’ is a massive understatement.

The game takes itself so damn seriously that every bit of fun that might have stood in its favor just ends up leaking out of its beached, bloated corpse, to float away in a river of squandered potential.

Every five ****ing seconds that ass with the glasses is on the comms channel again, blathering about this or that, pissing his pants every time you slow up for a second or two to try and figure out whether or not you’re enjoying yourself.

It’s always, “come on Prophet, hurry, my bladder is full” or “come on prophet you have to download the macguffin to the whatever receptacle” or “hurry prophet, ride the kick back up the layers” or whatever other contrived and ridiculous bull **** Crytek came up with to keep you running around their pissant version of New York like a coke-crazed hamster chasing a fix.

The game is trash, sorry. I say sorry because I used to like Crytek. I really, really, liked the original Far Cry, for instance.

Know why? Yeah, you guessed it: it was fun.

When I played Far Cry I had a good time; it entertained me and didn’t force me into super-cinematic mind rape sessions at the end of every ten minute gameplay segment.

In other words, it was a game. You know, a video game? Not a movie, not an action blockbuster or anything, just a game, nothing more nothing less.

It had good core gunplay, good enemies, and fun, interesting levels, and that was all it really needed.

Oh, and the story didn’t blow my ****ing eardrums out with all manner of Black-Ops-esque insane screaming and radio chatter and ridiculous, err, set pieces, which aren’t really set pieces because for the most part you don’t really interact with them so much as watch them fall apart and piss themselves in flames.

Even in that regard it isn’t particularly good; the Uncharted series is much better at making huge aplosions and environmental destruction really awesome, and hey, look at that, it doesn’t have a an iron pole so far up its ass that it can’t take a breather now and then and actually let you play it for a bit.

Since Far Cry the blokes at Crytek seem to have become steadily more stodgy and less interested in providing that sort of entertainment.

Now they have, with Cryis 2, delivered the ultimate stodgy, stuck-up, prick of a game; it is the crème de la crème of exaggerated sci-fi apocalypse tripe, and a massive waste of time and money on the part of everyone involved in its production, because:

A) It’s stupid, and useless, and generic, and it signifies nothing.


B) Even in signifying nothing it can’t manage to be fun, not even for a moment.

Bulletstorm is also a ridiculous bunch of drivel, but it’s incredibly fun, and it allows you to play it more often than not; somehow, that was enough. Crazy, I know.

The game is an incredible bore, and it isn’t even a well-designed bore.

For instance: the game offers you a selection of suit upgrades which you earn by collecting the essences of dead aliens; incredibly, a good handful of design issues bloom from this seemingly simple system.

First, collecting the alien essences is a pesky chore. Their “hit-boxes”, so to speak, are incredibly finicky. Often I found myself leaping through the air again and again trying to collect that sparkling silver dust, or fairy piss, or whatever the hell it is, or else not being able to reach it at all, because I killed an alien whilst he was in a tree, or atop an outhouse, or up a dog’s ass or something, and I couldn’t quite get to it.

Why not make it simple, Crytek? Why not just have you pick it up automatically, or let your suit magically absorb it from a distance or something? You certainly made up enough ridiculous **** to justify other gameplay conceits, so why not something for this, eh?

Secondly, most of the suit upgrades are inane, and the earlier ability purchases are nullified by the fact that you can only use one in each slot at any given time. Rather than encouraging variation and experimentation ala’ tonics in BioShock, this really just boils down to “use most expensive upgrade”, unless of course that upgrade is the most expensive one, which lets you track cloaked enemies on your radar.

You know, cloaked enemies, those really annoying ones, of whom there are four in the ENTIRE ****ING GAME. Four. How do you miss something like that? Were the QA testers too busy snorting blow off random hooker’s asses to notice?

I kind of hope so, because I’d like to think that this game’s budget wasn’t a complete waste; it certainly was in terms of the game proper.

I mean, when I see games like this and like Black Ops, huge masturbatory spectacles divorced of any sort of meaning, or reason, or lasting appeal, I have to ask myself, how many actually decent games could have been made with the money put into this budget?

Fifty? A hundred? More, maybe?

Piracy? Yeah, it’s bad, it definitely hurts gaming. But I have to think that publishers spending insane amounts of money on generic, wasteful piss like this does far more damage altogether.

Imagine if EA had just said **** it halfway through Crysis 2’s development, pulled the plug, then took the remaining budget, let’s say just half off the overall production budget, not even counting the insane marketing dough, and used it to fund five small teams working on wildly original, dangerous new IPs.

Even if only one or two of them ended up being halfway decent, it would still be a better situation than the one we’re currently left with, which, for me personally, boils down to sixty dollars blown, a handful of hours completed wasted, and innumerable braincells fried beyond repair by information-overload crack-head edited cutscenes and painfully slow nanosuit crawling scenes which were only slightly less interesting and slightly more repugnant than watching a drop of molasses fall ever so slowly from the lip of an obese donkey dead on the side of the road from having eaten barrels and barrels of syrup fed to it by its owner who now lies mangled and crushed beneath it, a showcase of excess, waste, and extreme stupidity, and hey, look, the metaphor is complete.

Welcome to Crysis 2.


achieved with massive amounts of money and a complete lack of anything even resembling intelligence, restraint, or basic common sense out of 10