WEATHER REPORT: E3 2009

Weather Report – Tsug_Ze_Wind

Hello SW! I’m Tsug_Ze_Wind, and I’ll be your weathersheep.

May has come and will soon be gone, and apparently the month of April just didn’t exist. Oh well. We really didn’t miss much. As we all know, May is the month of E3 predictions, the most popular one being “Is E3 going to suck yet again this year?” Of course, the fools in SW refuse to entertain that possibility, parading around the board shouting “OMG E3 is gonna ROCK!!!”

But I’m just as much of a fool as the rest of you, so on with the forecast! But first…

–Congrats cows, you’ve got another AAA! And it’s actually one you didn’t hype AAAA! Enjoy inFAMOUS. But please, just stop watching that year-old TrICO vid before you hurt yourself and/or I hurt you.

–Facing a drought, the lemmings look to an old standby: MGS4 rumors. I’m finding the ZuneX rumors pretty interesting, myself, but the lemmings don’t seem to be onboard yet. I guess they spent too much time wishing for a long shot already.

–Some fascinating damage control has spawned from the sheep’s recent AA streak. Are AAs irrelevant now? Do revivals of 20-year old games not count as new games?? Do these games not even count as games in the Wii’s library, which according to some, is still completely empty??? Now you see why we play sales; this stuff is confusing.

–Hermits are still trapped in an endless cycle: A mysterious poster brings up Crysis, which leads to Crysis bashing, which leads to Crysis defending, which leads to confusion about who mentioned the game in the first place. And repeat. Someone save the hermits/Save everyone else from the hermits!

That was the news, and now here’s your special E3 forecast:

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Cows are expecting big things, but I’m not sure why. They should have learned from sheep last year: You can’t have an awesome Q1 and a good E3. Expect footage of games we’ve known about for years, perhaps a new weird little IP, and of course, a new TrICO vid that will tide the cows over for the next ten years or so.

Microsoft’s PR is making epic claims for this E3, so big that nothing short of virtual reality will save their show from being disappointing to someone who actually takes those PR statements seriously. Expect a new Xbox Live update, mayhaps a new IP, no MGS4, and…ZuneX?

Nintendo has to show up this time, and for most people, that means Zelda. For me, that means PIKMIN FRIGGIN’ 3! The only Zelda game I see being shown is Spirit Tracks. The show will belong to Motion+, with new Wii Series games and a “hardcore” IP or franchise using it.

As for a megaton, it could come from any of ’em.

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Until next time, Duke Nukem Forever–I Still Believe!

–Tsug

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