REVIEW: GTA IV Lost and Damned

GTA IV: Lost and Damned Review – Jethrovegas

Hello gentlemen. Thought I’d mix up the typical review structure a bit this month.


hallo thar

I’m going to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a cat named Andre, the youngest of three brothers. Andre was born incredibly ugly, like his three brothers, and, again, like his brothers, he was cursed with several severe mental deficiencies, and would occasionally have violent seizures and **** all over the carpet.

One would think that Andre would end up living a very difficult, unfulfilling life because of these issues, but that was not the case.

You see, though you mightn’t be able to tell from looking at him, or even from interacting with him in short spurts, Andre was actually incredibly fun to be around.

He was spontaneous, and mischievous, and occasionally quite clever (for a cat, anyway).

For these qualities, Andre was well received by almost every human and animal he came into contact with (this was also very true for his older brother Vince, who many would pick as their favorite, if only for his excellent taste), and was frequently referred to by those who knew him well as “the life of the party”.

So, Andre lived, and he prospered, and one day he met a lovely girl cat who possessed many of the qualities that Andre lacked, so he ****ed her, and 60 days later she bore him a single kitten whom they decided to name “Vier”.

The mother cat died in an auto accident shortly thereafter, and Andre was forced to raise Vier by himself.

After just a few weeks, it became apparent that Vier could not be any more different from his father. He was reasonably attractive, his mind was razor sharp, and he moved quickly and deftly (you might say he had excellent core mechanics).

At first, Andre and his friends were overjoyed. It seemed to them as though Vier had finally overcome the issues that had plagued the family for so long.

Unfortunately, this was just a temporary illusion. As time wore on, everyone slowly began to realise that Vier had just taken Andre’s problems and replaced them with new ones.

Sure, he was pretty to look at, but he was also boring, predictable, pretentious, conceited, and obsessed with his cell phone to the degree that he would sit in a corner alone and write text messages to imaginary friends during the middle of a party.

Eventually, his spouting of inane, pseudo-philosophical bull ****, combined with his dull personality and rampant self-obsession, became enough to drive all of his friends away. In the end, even his father left him for greener pastures.

Lonely, depressed, and increasingly nihilistic, Vier began to abuse prescription drugs, and one day he overdosed, had a severe brain aneurysm, and died.

As he collapsed to the ground and gave up his final, soggy, wheezing breath, his empty shell of a body coughed up a disgusting, oily black hairball.

This hairball had annoying voice acting and incredibly unlikable characters, but he also carried a SPAS-12 shotgun, so most people ignored his faults (in his presence, anyway).

Many people in the neighborhood began to refer the hairball as “Horatio” but I just call him Lost and Damned.

If you ate the other slop happily, you’ll probably eat this slop happily as well out of 10